Limbo

I haven't been blogging, because I haven't known what to say. It almost feels as though I have nothing to say, but I think it's more that I don't know how to put it into words. Whatever it is. Words rarely fail me.

It's not that things are bad - they aren't by any means, but I'm stuck in a sort of "limbo" state of wanting change, knowing what I want, but unable to move forward. ED is not improving and I guess I am just sort of despondent and drifting at the moment.

Anyway, I've always loved Birdy and I realised that the lyrics from "Comforting Sounds" (originally Mew) really resonate with my experiences of depression and eating disorders.

What do you think?

I don't feel alright

In spite of these comforting sounds you make

I don't feel alright

Because you make promises that you break

Into your house 

Why don't we share our solitude?

Nothing is pure anymore

But solitude.

It's hard to make sense 

Feels as if I'm sensing you through a lens

If someone else comes

I'll just sit here listening to the drums

Previously I never called it solitude

And probably you know all the dirty shows I've put on 

Blunted and exhausted like anyone

Honestly I tried to avoid it

Honestly

Back when we were kids

We would always know when to stop 

And now all the good kids are messing up

Nobody has gained or accomplished anything

The disorder tricks us into believing that it can make us happy, yet inevitably it does not work. It isolates us from everyone and everything around, putting up a barrier between us and the world around, forces us to put on a mask, act ‘normal’, which seems unbearable at times but the only option. We used to know how to keep control, but we can’t maintain it anymore, the disorder takes over and stops us from achieving anything.

What other music speaks to you?

Fear of Success

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars.

You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”

- C.S. Lewis -

We all know about fear of failure - we don't do things sometimes, because the consequences if we failed would then be worse than the consequences if we did not try at all. Makes sense.

But no one ever talks about fear of success. Because the truth is that we can fear this more even than failing. Illness provides us with a place of safety and an excuse for failure. If we don't live up to our full potential then we can blame it on our illness, which robbed our lives from us. Recovery means taking responsibility for our own lives, our failures and shortcomings as well as our attributes. What if that is just too much to bear? It is worse to fail when we are being our authentic selves, because it pierces our very being, threatens the person we think we are, our sense of self. And discovering that our image of ourselves is flawed threatens everything - nothing is constant anymore, how can we be sure of other people, of the world, when we cannot be sure that our interpretation of our selves is correct?

A little success also leads to the expectation of greater success, making it all the more disappointing when we inevitably slip up at some point in the process. So we might think "Why take the risk?"

Yet we must. Because whilst it may be difficult to do that thing which you fear, you come through it with a little less fear, a little more belief in yourself and closer to your goal. If we avoid the thing that scares us, then the fear takes over, eats us up, gets stronger and becomes that much more difficult to face the next time. When we do this repeatedly, our lives become wrapped up in a bundle of avoidance of those things we fear, rather than being focused on what it should: building a life around the things we love and the things we want to achieve. And that is not not living, merely getting by.

So do you want to get by? Or do you want to LIVE?