On the whole things are okay

My last post was atrociously negative; but then that's what you get for posting at 3am!

For the most part I am able to reign in the thoughts; reason that just because I don't neatly fit into a category, it doesn't mean that my issues are any less real or important. For the most part.

But then at other times those thoughts and feelings just coalesce into a mess of shame and disappointment and anger that things aren't different - that I am not different. I just have to hold on to the knowledge that I am fighting back and I am trying my best, which is all I can do. 

So I am glad I was honest; it's all about honesty right? That is how it hurts; shame has always prevented me from admitting that that is how I feel to others. It's refreshing to be able to be so honest on here and have people genuinely care. Not that people in my life wouldn't care, if I told them, but I can't talk easily, things get all muddled up and I can't think. I've always been able to explain myself in writing though; I guess that comes from the journals I've always kept - I still have all of them since I was ten, writing has alwasy helped me to work out what it is that I think and feel. Talking on the other hand has always been something I've avoided and I'm only just learning to do that in the past year since being in hospital. 

I need to stop wishing that things were different and start making them different. Which is the hardest part right? Baby steps. And admitting my true feelings is a part of that.

And besides - that was a moment of weakness, because on the whole things are okay at the moment. At least, they have improved and I am glad to be able to just enjoy the fun things for little while now that my exams are over.

Soldiering on!

fat hatred.

I hate this. I hate myself for being so fat. I hate myself for not having any self control. I know it shouldn't matter, it shouldn't define who I am blah blah blah...but it does affect my life. It does matter I can't help it.

I just want to be normal, I want to be able to look in the mirror without wincing, I want to be able to look at photos and think about how much I enjoyed myself not how bad I look. I want to be able to shop in high street shops for clothes, I want to be like every other girl my age. I want all this work I'm putting into recovery to actually pay off. I want to be able to wear nice clothes, to be able to go swimming again, to not have to fight food every waking minute. I want to be able to walk around without being conscious of my body every single second. I want to live my life. Is that so much to ask?

I just want my life back. I'm sick of this.

Probably shouldn't admit this on here, but although I am glad there is so much support to be found online I still don't feel like I fully fit in and have the right to be there - most people struggling with their eating are normal or underweight and their eating disorder makes them feel fat; but I actually am way overweight, like in medical terms. I feel like a fraud. Whatever I've got can't be an eating disorder; I'm not anorexic, not bulimic.  I'm just weak. I just have no willpower. I'm just lazy. I'm just making excuses; I should be able to just lose the weight. Even the professionals think so; in four years they have never taken it seriously until I started to throw up. But that doesn't count anyway, I barely do it.

Don't even know why I'm posting this, I'll probably delete it anyway. Shouldn't be being so negative online, I'm just feeling the need to rant.

Whatever. Pathetic much?

A little perspective

Each day as I finish another exam, and get closer to this all being over, I feel more normal, more alive, more me again.

When depression takes over again, it's so hard not to feel that all the work you've put into recovery so far has gotten you nowhere; you've failed, there's no point, you'll never be completely okay, just always live in fear of it coming back. It completely strips you of concentration, memory, motivation and hope. All you want is sleep and yet even that is denied you.

This is how I've been the last couple of weeks - I reached a tipping point and just couldn't cope with the level of anxiety and pressure I felt any longer. Just the sight of lecture notes filled me with terror, nevermind any attempt to revise them. And then it wasn't just about that anymore - once I reached that point all of the other thoughts and feelings that I associate with depression came rushing back, sensing my weakness.

Fingers crossed I will get mitigating circumstances and be able to resit if I do badly. Although thankful that that system is there, I am disappointed in myself for needing to use it. Almost made it through the year without submitting MCs. Using them makes me feel like I am cheating - I should just take the hit and accept the low grade, it's my fault for not doing the work. But then everyone else doesn't have to deal with the crippling anxiety and depression I get around deadlines. I know that I am capable of better and it's not fair if my illness gets to sabotage my degree, given that I have no control over it.

The point is that my struggling now does not negate the progress I've made. Yes I had to submit MCs, yes I struggled, but that is not equivalent to the months of suicidality I had last year, that doesn't lessen the fact that I have made it through the rest of the year with good grades and requiring no special treatment.

Mostly I am scared of this happening again in a year's time - final year is only going to be so much more intense; it's worth much more and I won't be able to resit if I want to graduate with everyone else. I'm trying to remember that I have plenty of time to figure things out. Yes, I may have struggled with deadlines, but I've met them all and gotten through all my other exams and revision periods well this year. Compared to last year that is massive and if I improve by the same amount in this next year then I'll get through it fine. Guess it's just something else I should talk about in therapy.

This isn't everything you are

"And in one little moment 

It all implodes

This isn't everything you are

Breathe deeply in the silence

No sudden moves

This isn't everything you are

Just take the hand that's offered 

And hold on tight

This isn't everything you are. 

There's joy not far from here, right

I know there is 

THIS ISN'T EVERYTHING YOU ARE"

Our disorders, our struggles our pain - they aren't everything, we are so much more than that. Mental Illness can feel all consuming - it takes over your life and your being, stops you from doing all of those things that you love, seeing the people that you love. But recovery gives us the opportunity to find that part of ourselves again. 

We need to remember the things that we love and the things that are good about ourselves. 

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend. 

I am a good listener and a loyal friend. 

I am a fighter.

I am a writer and a thinker.

I am persevering, committed, proactive. 

I strive to improve myself and the world around me. 

I have the courage to ask for help when I need it. 

I push myself and always try my best.

I am passionate and enthusiastic.

I get involved.

I am empathetic and sympathetic towards others' struggles.

I love spending time with my friends, having a catch up, crying with laughter, being moved by an emotional film, chippie on the seaside with the sun on my face, the cold wind in my hair, sea salt on the breeze and my family beside me. I love day trips to new places, old places, cities, countryside, galleries, museums. I love those moments of peace and contentment when you forget the bad stuff and just live in the moment. I love the satisfaction of a really good film or moving book and that feeling when you read your favourite book or watch your favourite film again, when you can't get enough of a new song and you play it over and over. I love buying presents that I know will really mean something to the receiver and when the rain cleans the air after it has been really hot and humid. 

What do you love?

What is important to you?

What are your strengths?

Ridiculous, I know.

It crucifies you over and over, ripping you apart even as you try to sew yourself back together again. I can feel the thick fog rolling over the horizon, folding me in, blocking all my senses, suffocating me. I always thought that if it came back like before I wouldn't survive it...this might be that time. Scared, I am so scared for depression to take over once more. I "know" that there are good things in my life, but my hold on them is slipping away, I can't remember anymore.

All of the self destructive urges are there and how can I resist them all simultaneously?

A day in the life of this:
Sleep. For as long as possible.
Eat and eat and eat, then bring it all back up.
Cut.
Curl into a ball and weep.
Sleep some more.
Act okay - go out, drink. Just a regular student.

Ridiculous? Yes I know.
Yet I cannot control what my mind is throwing at me.
I cannot focus on anything other right now.

I guess all of those things blank everything else out - the behaviours help me to glaze over, for a time, and not be consumed by anxiety and stress and self-hatred and misery and self-disgust and fear...if just for a moment.

I know that this is stupid and fucked up.
It feels better at least to admit what is going on in my head right now.

I hope it lifts soon.

Lets talk about food...

Given that this blog is entitled "Talking is the first step..." I really ought to stand by the philosophy that I will heal through talking; that it takes the pain outside of oneself and only by doing that can the pain start to dissipate. Talking is just so impossible at times! Particularly when you don't even really know what's wrong, just that you 'feel' bad. Mainly what I struggle with though is food; the inability to control it, the bingeing and now the throwing up; it's so shameful to me. It's the deepest thing, one of the most vulnerable parts of me and I'm scared to let it out. But perhaps that is what's stopping me from recovering. I know that I need to face it, I'm just so embarrassed. I don't feel worthy of the time; I'm not thin so I can't have an eating disorder. In reality I know that that's bullshit; but I don't think that the rest of the world does and so I continue to tuck it away, pretend to eat normally, pretend that it's okay.

I know it's time to face it if I really truly do want to recover, it's just so scary. I have just started with a new therapist, who seemed lovely in the first meeting and made me feel comfortable. I've told him now that food is what I need to face, so it's started. Knowing that it is going to be an uncomfortable and painful road though is what scares me. Still, I know that I can trust him, I know that this needs to happen and after all that I've been through I know that I can do this. It's just difficult to deliberately throw yourself back into the fire, knowing that it will raise a lot of really difficult issues.