It crucifies you over and over, ripping you apart even as you try to sew yourself back together again. I can feel the thick fog rolling over the horizon, folding me in, blocking all my senses, suffocating me. I always thought that if it came back like before I wouldn't survive it...this might be that time. Scared, I am so scared for depression to take over once more. I "know" that there are good things in my life, but my hold on them is slipping away, I can't remember anymore.
All of the self destructive urges are there and how can I resist them all simultaneously?
A day in the life of this:
Sleep. For as long as possible.
Eat and eat and eat, then bring it all back up.
Cut.
Curl into a ball and weep.
Sleep some more.
Act okay - go out, drink. Just a regular student.
Ridiculous? Yes I know.
Yet I cannot control what my mind is throwing at me.
I cannot focus on anything other right now.
I guess all of those things blank everything else out - the behaviours help me to glaze over, for a time, and not be consumed by anxiety and stress and self-hatred and misery and self-disgust and fear...if just for a moment.
I know that this is stupid and fucked up.
It feels better at least to admit what is going on in my head right now.
I hope it lifts soon.
You should write down what triggers you to feel these emotions when it starts to happen. Knowing this can help you prepare to combat the thoughts. Focus in one behavior at a time to work on. You can't combat it all at once. Seek support. You can't do it alone girl. I'm thinking of you. I'm not a self harmer or a purger but I do my share of destructive behaviors in response, like killing myself at the gym and thinking negatively.
ReplyDelete<3
I hope everything lifts soon too. Sometimes life can be extremely hard and terrorizing.
ReplyDeleteI will keep you in my prayers, even though I don't know if I believe in a god, but sometimes there is nothing else to do but hope for something to intervene when life gets us way down deep in the mud.
I wish you the best.