Each day as I finish another exam, and get closer to this all being over, I feel more normal, more alive, more me again.
When depression takes over again, it's so hard not to feel that all the work you've put into recovery so far has gotten you nowhere; you've failed, there's no point, you'll never be completely okay, just always live in fear of it coming back. It completely strips you of concentration, memory, motivation and hope. All you want is sleep and yet even that is denied you.
This is how I've been the last couple of weeks - I reached a tipping point and just couldn't cope with the level of anxiety and pressure I felt any longer. Just the sight of lecture notes filled me with terror, nevermind any attempt to revise them. And then it wasn't just about that anymore - once I reached that point all of the other thoughts and feelings that I associate with depression came rushing back, sensing my weakness.
Fingers crossed I will get mitigating circumstances and be able to resit if I do badly. Although thankful that that system is there, I am disappointed in myself for needing to use it. Almost made it through the year without submitting MCs. Using them makes me feel like I am cheating - I should just take the hit and accept the low grade, it's my fault for not doing the work. But then everyone else doesn't have to deal with the crippling anxiety and depression I get around deadlines. I know that I am capable of better and it's not fair if my illness gets to sabotage my degree, given that I have no control over it.
The point is that my struggling now does not negate the progress I've made. Yes I had to submit MCs, yes I struggled, but that is not equivalent to the months of suicidality I had last year, that doesn't lessen the fact that I have made it through the rest of the year with good grades and requiring no special treatment.
Mostly I am scared of this happening again in a year's time - final year is only going to be so much more intense; it's worth much more and I won't be able to resit if I want to graduate with everyone else. I'm trying to remember that I have plenty of time to figure things out. Yes, I may have struggled with deadlines, but I've met them all and gotten through all my other exams and revision periods well this year. Compared to last year that is massive and if I improve by the same amount in this next year then I'll get through it fine. Guess it's just something else I should talk about in therapy.
I think mental illness is hard to overcome and many people suffer from it for a lifetime. I did my second thesis in undergrad on BPD, borderline personality disorder. My favorite thing about the disorder is that people who suffer from BPD usually get better over time and eventually don't exhibit the symptoms associated with BPD. Many other mental disorders will haunt the host for a lifetime, which is extremely scary.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about the future, because all we have is this moment, and that we can exist in.
We cannot know the future, which is simultaneously why it is so scary and why it is so futile to worry about it!
DeleteThat's a coincidence, next year I have elected to do a dissertation on BPD!
Aww honey, as you are doing, you are focusing on what you HAVE achieved, not all the nitty itty bits in the middle.
ReplyDeleteThe result is that you got there, and are getting there and that was all you ever wanted.
Stay strong little warrior <3