I hate this. I hate myself for being so fat. I hate myself for not having any self control. I know it shouldn't matter, it shouldn't define who I am blah blah blah...but it does affect my life. It does matter I can't help it.
I just want to be normal, I want to be able to look in the mirror without wincing, I want to be able to look at photos and think about how much I enjoyed myself not how bad I look. I want to be able to shop in high street shops for clothes, I want to be like every other girl my age. I want all this work I'm putting into recovery to actually pay off. I want to be able to wear nice clothes, to be able to go swimming again, to not have to fight food every waking minute. I want to be able to walk around without being conscious of my body every single second. I want to live my life. Is that so much to ask?
I just want my life back. I'm sick of this.
Probably shouldn't admit this on here, but although I am glad there is so much support to be found online I still don't feel like I fully fit in and have the right to be there - most people struggling with their eating are normal or underweight and their eating disorder makes them feel fat; but I actually am way overweight, like in medical terms. I feel like a fraud. Whatever I've got can't be an eating disorder; I'm not anorexic, not bulimic. I'm just weak. I just have no willpower. I'm just lazy. I'm just making excuses; I should be able to just lose the weight. Even the professionals think so; in four years they have never taken it seriously until I started to throw up. But that doesn't count anyway, I barely do it.
Don't even know why I'm posting this, I'll probably delete it anyway. Shouldn't be being so negative online, I'm just feeling the need to rant.
Whatever. Pathetic much?
So what? Your feelings aren't valid? Wrong. It matters. You live with it. I live with it. I'm healthy looking. Kills me. I shouldn't be whining but I do. You have s right and I enjoy reading your blog. You are a beautiful person, I can already see that. If you ever want to talk, please email me. aSinforEve10@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful and you are loved
Thanks Eve, I know you're right really, just sometimes it's more difficult to see it! The same goes for you - you have a right and it is real. Mental illness are invisible, as we all know too well. xx
DeleteYour feelings are valid Milo. Don't invalidate yourself. You are very aware of yourself. Now it seems the hard process is to change. It will take a lot of effort and failure but it is doable. Little baby steps at a time. I believe in you. You can do it. One day at a time. : D I send strength your way my friend.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sebastian, baby steps are what I am trying to focus on right now, I need to just try and forget the big picture for a while and take each day as it comes :) xx
DeleteDenial much!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou do have a problem, and it is just as serious as any one elses.
I am behaviour free, but do I still suffer and struggle? Does it make me a faud?
You have to allow yourself to be able to say, this is me, this is MY struggle.
No one struggle is ever the same.
Come on dolly, keep fighting, it will be okay in the end <3
The fight continues! I just faltered for a moment, but this encouragement helps me to pick myself back up. You're right; all struggle counts, it all matters and most of it cannot be seen. Need to start believing what I preach when it refers to myself! Thank you for reminding me and thank you for believing in me xx
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