Given that this blog is entitled "Talking is the first step..." I really ought to stand by the philosophy that I will heal through talking; that it takes the pain outside of oneself and only by doing that can the pain start to dissipate. Talking is just so impossible at times! Particularly when you don't even really know what's wrong, just that you 'feel' bad. Mainly what I struggle with though is food; the inability to control it, the bingeing and now the throwing up; it's so shameful to me. It's the deepest thing, one of the most vulnerable parts of me and I'm scared to let it out. But perhaps that is what's stopping me from recovering. I know that I need to face it, I'm just so embarrassed. I don't feel worthy of the time; I'm not thin so I can't have an eating disorder. In reality I know that that's bullshit; but I don't think that the rest of the world does and so I continue to tuck it away, pretend to eat normally, pretend that it's okay.
I know it's time to face it if I really truly do want to recover, it's just so scary. I have just started with a new therapist, who seemed lovely in the first meeting and made me feel comfortable. I've told him now that food is what I need to face, so it's started. Knowing that it is going to be an uncomfortable and painful road though is what scares me. Still, I know that I can trust him, I know that this needs to happen and after all that I've been through I know that I can do this. It's just difficult to deliberately throw yourself back into the fire, knowing that it will raise a lot of really difficult issues.
Hey Milo,
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled across your blog and I can relate so much to this post
Food is my problem too
It's either too much and purge or not enough
There is no in between, it's all or nothing
I've been seeing a therapist for the last year but in my mind I have made precious little progress
It's such a tough place to be
Wanting to change so badly but being paralysed by fear and anxiety
You are right though, talk is the first step
Breaking the silence of this illness
I know my illness thrives on secrets and lies
I hope things go well with your new therapist
Be honest
Be true
Be gentle with yourself
I wish you every health and happiness with your recovery x
It always feels as though I'm getting no where, I've been at this for so long that something should be better by now. All we can do is keep on fighting xx
DeleteHey girl! After your comment I decided I needed to stop by your blog. The fact that you have a Gandalf quote won me over immediately. :) you should add a follow widget so I can follow you!
ReplyDeleteTalking is so important but even more than that is honesty. Honesty with yourself and your flaw and your limits and your strengths. I can already tell you're a simply beautiful person and I look forward to reading about your journey! <3
Much more difficult than it should have been, but I've managed to add a follow widget! Thanks for the encouragement :)
DeleteWhen times get really tough for me, I usually don't talk because I'm afraid to be judged. Usually people will judge and try to distance themselves from the awful (they wouldn't want to catch the streak of bad luck).
ReplyDeleteIt's so ironic, once I started to go to AA meetings, I go to a night club with a friend I haven't seen in two years, have a couple beers, drive, and get a DUI. I couldn't believe it, and I can't stand to talk to people because they can tell me all of the things I should have done, but nothing that can really be supportive of the moment that just happens to be completely awful!
I hope talking works for you because right now I'm going to keep my mouth shut and pray a little. I guess you can say I'm talking to the gods! That's talking, right?
I spent so long not talking and when I finally built up the courage to do it the people I spoke to were supportive and I felt so much better for it. It has to be the right person and the right time - they might not know what to say or might not be able to necessarily help, but I've always found that I haven't been judged and so just saying it takes the weight off a bit. Sometimes I don't even feel better at the time, it can be the hardest thing there is, but later I feel more understood and validated. Perhaps you just haven't found the right person yet, or if you're not ready then that's fine too!
DeletePraying counts! Even if you are just writing in your journal, talking to yourself, it's helping you to make sense of them because you have to put things into words to do that! xxx