The World Needs More Love Letters

I have just discovered moreloveletters.com, thanks to Arielle Lee Bair. It is such a fantastic idea!

When I was growing up, I remember my mam would write letters to me on important days, like leaving primary school, or just if she had something she wanted to say. She would leave them under my duvet for me to find when I went to bed. They talked about how proud she was of me, how much she loved me. It would always give me such an intense feeling of joy and being loved and belonging. Because nothing pierces your heart quite like the written word does it? Writing captures feelings like nothing else can - and by writing I don't mean 140 character posts of condensed information, but long-winded, descriptive accounts of the soul.

I have always been a lover of the written word; fiction books have given me other worlds to escape into and dream, when things are difficult in my own world...or even when they're not. They have taught me about the workings of the emotional world, given me passion, hope and ambition. Their accounts of fear and hardship and pain have helped me to trust that darkness passes, we can get through it and although we may change, we can become a better person because of those experiences.

To find one of these love letters that someone had written for me, would be the most incredible feeling of love, strength, being a part of something. Therefore, I have decided to start writing them myself. To some people it may seem soppy, cliche, cheap, but to a reader it is simply an extension into the real world of the intensity of emotion we can experience when reading.

For a sufferer of mental illness, it is an acknowledgement that it is normal and okay to feel emotions strongly. In depression, I always felt that my emotions didn't belong in the real world; either when in deep pain or even the intensity joy of finally feeling "okay". They were too much, too intense, "abnormal". People don't talk about them, they are hidden away, even though everyone feels them. People would never have seen me as an emotional person, as I never showed it - the irony is that I am highly emotional, but only my journal is witness! To release feelings into the open is to weaken oneself, according to culture, but in reality I believe that making oneself vulnerable is courage and therefore strength. It is taking back control over them, rather than allowing them to control you.

My point is that I would feel so loved and such a sense of belonging to find one of these letters that it would give me hope. How then, can I not try and give that to someone else? Of course I don't know who will find these letters and I can't know if it helped them or they were indifferent. But the likelihood is, that if I keep on doing them, one will mean something to someone. And that is so fulfilling to think that you can so touch the life of someone you don't know and who doesn't know you.

An old friend

Why is depression so tempting, so compelling when the experience is so horrendous?

I've not been having a great time the past few days. I have been going to bed at 4am, getting up at 2pm, bingeing, watching TV all day and basically acting exactly the way I shouldn't when trying to recover. The only thing I haven't done is cut.

Small achievements I guess.

So I decided that enough was enough and made myself get up this morning. Don't particularly feel better, but at least I've done some revision. Cannot get behind with that and I've just had 3 days off.

Now I have to pick myself up, dust myself off and commit that to the past - a minor setback. Doing those things is not going to make things better only worse. I have to try and ignore the old thoughts that have been building up over the last few weeks. I can't afford to go back there. I'm not sure that I'd survive it again. The last time is still too raw, too recent to cope with it again. So I won't.

I'm getting on with things, but not just hiding them away this time. Talking about the shit that goes round in my head is hard but neccessary. Thank god I have such good friends that will put in the time and listen to it.

Celebrating 2012's Achievements

New Year is full of high expectations and resolutions to 'change'. Maybe that's not what we should be focusing on, because lets be honest, they rarely ever work do they? Instead we just feel miserable for failing and at the same time we have negated the whole previous year by making a resolution at all and implying that whatever we did in 2012 wasn't good enough.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why not just celebrate what we have achieved?

Personally, I am proud of how far I've come in 2012.
I worked hard and come so far in recovery; from depression, self harm, binge-eating and a suicide attempt.

I don't hate myself anymore, and I do my best to treat myself with the same respect that I would give to anyone else.

Things I am proud of myself for:

Cutting only once in seven months.

Being truly honest with a therapist for the first time.

Doing things that I am scared of.

Talking about how I feel, what I think, not only to my Mental Health Adviser, but also to friends.

Getting through my first year at uni, and working hard in my second year.

Getting a first in my practical report.

Doing the hard thing because it is good for me rather than taking the easy route.

Mental Health Campaigning with my student's union and joining the university's mental health advisory board as a student rep.

Not hiding my illness anymore.

Moving into a house with my friends, making it into home.

Connecting with others who suffer/have suffered, through YouTube and various university outlets (e.g. the society for disability awareness)

Making new friends and keeping in touch and staying close with old friends. Getting closer to some friends and sharing more of myself with them.

Clawing my way back to health and happiness, even when I didn't believe it was there.

Treating my illness seriously and doing everything I can to keep it at bay.

Looking after myself emotionally and physically and keeping my surroundings positive.

Ignoring the lies my illness tells me. Telling myself the truth.

Connecting with others at university through getting involved e.g. through societies.

Getting up in the morning and carrying on with the day, even when I really don't want to.

Appreciating my friends. Appreciating my family.

Acknowledging my pain, but not holding onto it.

Facing things that are hard. Talking about them, which can be even harder.

Letting my feelings out in a healthy way, rather than bottling them up and hurting myself.

Letting the past go.

Having hope for the future.

Fighting.