Where depression started...

I've been reading back some old journals for therapy, trying to have a look at how things developed. Some of the entries make me want to cry, because I remember feeling that way, but it's so wrong for some one so young to have to feel that way, because of the way people treat her. Looking back now on who I was then, I can see that I didn't deserve it. Yes, I was slightly on the heavier side, but that wouldn't have turned into the hell it did if people didn't feel the need to constantly focus on it. On the one side is the bullying, ensuring that I was always the outsider, making me believe that I wasn't a 'good' person; I was selfish, boring and unwanted. Next to that was the constant commentary on my weight - "Do you really need beans with that meal?", "That dress would look so nice if you lost half a stone", "I can't afford to keep buying you bigger clothes" and of course the favourite insult of "fattie" employed by my brothers. Inevitably, my head reasoned "No wonder they don't like you - they can't dear to be seen with you, look at you. If only you could lose weight, be thin like everyone else, THEN you'd be accepted".

But I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried I always failed. I spent so much time alone and food was the only thing that was there for me in those times. It was all I had, how could I give that up too? Then I'd have nothing. So I figured, okay, I'll make myself sick then. I can still eat the food, but not keep the calories - perfect solution! But I couldn't even do that right. It just wouldn't happen. So the self-disgust, self-hatred just grew and grew until it had nothing to do with anyone else anymore, I didn't need them to hate me, I hated myself enough for all of them.

So this is where it started.
Some of it is too much to put on here.
But I'll leave you with my 15 year old thoughts.

23.12.07 (age 15)

...I'm also starting to despise myself 'cause I'm so horrible and ungrateful to Mam and Dad and don't do much to help them. Also, that I don't seem to be good enough for my friends and there must be something wrong with me 'cause I'm involved in every argument. And I care about them so much, but they don't seem to care about me at all and the people I should care about most, I don't care enough for although they sacrifice loads for me.
I really want someone to talk to, a friend who'll understand 'cause no one I know ever will.

29.03.09 (age 16)

I don't know where I am. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm not really living, it's like everything is moving too fast and I can't keep up. It's like I'm separate from everything around me. But why do I feel this way? What possible reason is there for me to be like this? It's pathetic. The only time I exist is at school, otherwise it's like I'm drifting.
But why?! There's nothing massively wrong in my life. It's like Mam said before - "When's it going to stop being all me me me?" I'm being completely self-centered and I don't want to be like this, but I can't seem to help it. Exams in seven weeks. And still it doesn't feel real. What am I doing? There's no sense of urgency...there's no anything.

19.05.09 (age 16)

I can't deal with this anymore - it's getting so out of hand...I need help but I can't tell anyone...I just can't take it all anymore. The stress just gets to me. I don't even want the food. I don't even know why I eat it.