Child me
I can't help but feel that I let her down
That I have and I do everyday.
She was so beautiful and so full of possibilities
Bright
Inquisitive
Creative
Questioning
Loving books and art and the world
Searching for answers
She looked forward to a life that would matter
That would make a difference
A fulfilling future
To discover new things
Discover everything
A job to work hard at and love every second of it
Loving husband
Children
It's not like she expected it to be this easy
To have it handed to her on a plate
Every life has crap
She could trust that it would happen one day
But she was told differently
Taught how wrong she was
That she wasn't worthy of true friendship
She was laughed at
Played tricks on
Other people constantly warned her that she needed to lose weight
"If you just stop now then it will even out as you grow"
But she didn't
She couldn't
She didn't realise how it would ruin her life
Food was a friend, more than actual friends
It made her feel better
But she felt guilty
She was always being told it was wrong
Eventually she connected the two
Maybe this was why people didn't like her?
Because she was Fat
Maybe this was why people played tricks on her?
Because she didn't look nice
Maybe she just wasn't a nice person
Maybe really it was her fault
If only she was thinner
If only she was more selfless
But she wasn't really Fat
She wasn't really selfish
She was just a kid
She still couldn't give up food
She still couldn't control it
She grew to hate herself for it
She became Fat
And the sadness grew
She became angry
She began to hate
But she couldn't be angry at those people
They were her friends, her family
They put up with her despite what a horrible person she was
It couldn't be their fault
It must be hers
If only she was...
They would like her better
She would be worthy
She tried to change
But she couldn't
Eventually, those people stopped
There were friends who didn't pull her down
That was better
But she still couldn't control food
The pain and the hurt and the anger from all of those years was still there
If it was all over then why did it still hurt?
Things should be okay now
So she pretended they were
And told no one
Proof that her beliefs were true came
For everyone else
Boyfriends
For her
Nothing
She turned the anger and the hate and the pain inwards
Until it was too much
It was too painful
And she didn't feel anything anymore
Then she cut
Into her skin
To feel
To know
Did she really still exist?
To take out the anger
To take out the hurt
To cry
To cleanse
To punish
She got on with things
Did the work
Hid everything
University was going to be the New Beginning
But after a while she realised
That nothing had changed
She couldn't even make friends this time
Proof
She was nothing
She was no one
It was too much
The hurt was too much
Too painful
Food was in control once more
Even cutting didn't help
It wasn't punishment enough
It couldn't block out the pain
She asked for help
But the professionals didn't help
She asked again
She shouted
None came
Until she had no strength left
She just needed the pain to end
In desperation she took the only route left
OOO
In the midst of pain
She realised that this was not the end
The pain would live on without her
It would never end
And her friends
And family
Would have no choice
Unless
She gave them the chance now
To help her
How could they before
When they hadn't known
She needed it?
She told
Hospital treated her body
But it couldn't help her mind
It still hurt
She sometimes wished she hadn't told
But
Eventually
The sun came up one day
Hope
She decided to fight
For the chance
That it might get better
...
She is still fighting
But she was broken
It takes a long time to mend
Scars fade
But some never disappear
Some parts have been lost
She really wants to find them someday
It hurts
That she can never go back
That child is lost
I miss that child.
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