Light Focus

It's not that there won't be a cloud in the sky. 

Just that I will not lose sight of the sun. 

How can you explain to those who haven't struggled; with depression, an eating disorder, self harm, suicide, whatever the illness; just how wholly consuming mental pain is? It nestles it's way into every part of your story, your life, your being. No the disorder does not define you; but your experiences do and an illness that effects every area of your life is no doubt a major part of molding you into the person you will become. I don't mean this in the sense that you are weakened, destined to be dogged by illness forever, but in the sense that you have known suffering and come through it and the strength and courage and effort that goes into recovery are such that you no not of their existence until you must, until you believe it is the end and you have no more to give and yet still, you manage to draw on reserves that you did not know were there.

It doesn't feel strong or courageous. It hurts, it feels like pain, like weakness, like failure. Beaten down, with seemingly every part of your being ripped away, yet still there is such fight contained into that small being that is left. The part that will not be beaten. The part that seems so small, but is so powerful. The struggle cannot be seen by anyone other than fellow sufferers. Your friends, your family, the people around you "know" that you are hurting. But they don't feel it, the desperation, the clinging onto life, the horror. And then you are "better". "Recovered". "Back to normal". Except that you aren't; the experience will never leave. People may expect you to "move on", which you do, to an extent. But you can never forget. You fought for survival, you didn't know if you would make it. How can people expect that it is over? It is not possible to go on as though nothing happened, you need to talk about it. You need to mourn the part of your life, of you that is lost.

You can become a greater person from the experience; you understand, you have insight in to that which most others do not. You have seen the abyss and survived. The sun shines so much brighter after such darkness. You can appreciate life as no one else can, because it was almost ripped from you. Recovery means getting to know yourself, and knowing yourself you can know what you want from life. You of all people have nothing to lose, when you almost lost your life altogether.

I will find recovery one day. It is an ongoing process, but eventually I hope that there will be a time when I am content and know that whatever happens I will get through it. When I can be happy. Not all the time, with life, for I cannot predict what will happen. But happy in myself; proud of who I am, not hiding or trying to change it, but simply being.