It's not that things are bad - they aren't by any means, but I'm stuck in a sort of "limbo" state of wanting change, knowing what I want, but unable to move forward. ED is not improving and I guess I am just sort of despondent and drifting at the moment.
Anyway, I've always loved Birdy and I realised that the lyrics from "Comforting Sounds" (originally Mew) really resonate with my experiences of depression and eating disorders.
What do you think?
I don't feel alright
In spite of these comforting sounds you make
I don't feel alright
Because you make promises that you break
Into your house
Why don't we share our solitude?
Nothing is pure anymore
But solitude.
It's hard to make sense
Feels as if I'm sensing you through a lens
If someone else comes
I'll just sit here listening to the drums
Previously I never called it solitude
And probably you know all the dirty shows I've put on
Blunted and exhausted like anyone
Honestly I tried to avoid it
Honestly
Back when we were kids
We would always know when to stop
And now all the good kids are messing up
Nobody has gained or accomplished anything
The disorder tricks us into believing that it can make us happy, yet inevitably it does not work. It isolates us from everyone and everything around,
putting up a barrier between us and the world around, forces us to put on a
mask, act ‘normal’, which seems unbearable at times but the only option. We
used to know how to keep control, but we can’t maintain it anymore, the
disorder takes over and stops us from achieving anything.
What other music speaks to you?
Solitude is something I was never content with. I hated it, in fact. Something like a fear of never being good enough and forgettable. I would have to say that I have two main songs that always speak to me. The band probably isn't your thing bit their lyrics are fantastic.
ReplyDeleteThe first is "Vacancy" by As I Lay Dying
We live in slavery to a past we cannot escape, and I say it's worth it to just start again... again.
We've focused so long on ideals of freedom that it is this very belief that oppresses us.
We all want to be free, yet we find ways to forfeit liberty
To our own impulses, to our own consumption.
So I say it's worth it to build a new foundation... it's a past we cannot escape.
This vacancy will take everything this world can offer.
But what is control once we have let go of all we suffer? Once weve let go...
When weve awakened to admit we are all enslaved,
Then there is freedom in our choice to disobey. Yeah...
Our creeds have become a justification to live the way that some see fit, and no one is more hopeless than those blinded by the scales of content
The either is "Paralyzed" by As I Lay Dying
What is certain I have ignored
I have spent most of my life
Trying to complicate everything that I believe
So that while paralyzed
In thought I will always have an alibi
Just another excuse
To hesitate
Delaying true progress with passivity
The answers that I've found
Are all the same
They uncover questions
That still remain
What is certain I have ignored
And what I know is simple
If I am honest with myself
My soul is broken yet easily fixed
And what I know is simple
I must die if I truly want to live
The greatest of us have become the least
I must be reborn to revive a heart that hardly beats
Keeping alive this hollow frame
I must be reborn
I must be reborn
Both are so applicable to my ED and to my life with my sexual abuse and holding on to the hurt of my family and all that. Paralyzed and vacant. I justify, I say I'm moving g, but from my Christian upbringing, I have to die to live. I have to let it all go and trust.
<3 huge hug dear.
That is the hardest part, it is a grief to leave the illness behind completely and move on from the you that suffers towards the you that lives. It feels like losing a part of yourself.
DeleteI have a love hate relationship with solitude - I crave it because I don't have to present an image when I'm alone, I am able to let all of the barriers down, but at the same time I fear the numbness and unreality that often comes with, the feeling that the illness is taking over and I am losing myself. xx
I'm sorry you haven't felt able to write my lovely <3
ReplyDeleteI can understand that feeling though of just not knowing how to get words out.
I listen to a LOT of music, and it really does help me.
Not even just lyrics, but just a song, a person, where ther music was made or what it represents.
Stay strong sweet angel <3
Even the tune is often enough to capture what words cannot always say. I often wish I could write music, it must be such a therapeutic way of getting emotions out! I'm glad there are such amazing musicians out there though who can capture what I cannot :) xx
DeleteWords are such an odd concept. We use words in different mediums to help other people understand what we are thinking and how we are feeling. I think that is odd.
ReplyDeleteHalf the time I don't know how to express myself and it comes out completely wrong. This can make a good moment better, someone confused, or make a bad moment worse!
I wish you the best. Love is wonderful.