My last post was atrociously negative; but then that's what you get for posting at 3am!
For the most part I am able to reign in the thoughts; reason that just because I don't neatly fit into a category, it doesn't mean that my issues are any less real or important. For the most part.
But then at other times those thoughts and feelings just coalesce into a mess of shame and disappointment and anger that things aren't different - that I am not different. I just have to hold on to the knowledge that I am fighting back and I am trying my best, which is all I can do.
So I am glad I was honest; it's all about honesty right? That is how it hurts; shame has always prevented me from admitting that that is how I feel to others. It's refreshing to be able to be so honest on here and have people genuinely care. Not that people in my life wouldn't care, if I told them, but I can't talk easily, things get all muddled up and I can't think. I've always been able to explain myself in writing though; I guess that comes from the journals I've always kept - I still have all of them since I was ten, writing has alwasy helped me to work out what it is that I think and feel. Talking on the other hand has always been something I've avoided and I'm only just learning to do that in the past year since being in hospital.
I need to stop wishing that things were different and start making them different. Which is the hardest part right? Baby steps. And admitting my true feelings is a part of that.
And besides - that was a moment of weakness, because on the whole things are okay at the moment. At least, they have improved and I am glad to be able to just enjoy the fun things for little while now that my exams are over.
Soldiering on!
You are such a strong person, and to realize that change starts with you is so big! It is hard to think that what we are doing doesn't matter, or doesn't change the world. The night I got my DUI, I was arguing with my friend at the bar because he was telling me that I am just like everybody else! I couldn't stand to hear another minute so I went out to have a cigarette and almost left him there, and I should have.
ReplyDeleteWe are wonderful and have so much potential. We need to pick ourselves up and brush ourselves off. It is totally reasonable to be negative because life is tough. It is a struggle through the mud and grit of life. It is not a bed of roses and that is a fact that is so hard to grasp. I constantly feel that my life should be better because hey, I have a shitty job (doing my societal part), graduated college, I am in graduate school (that is killing me), I got to my AA meetings and have started attending church, and on top of that I do my little acts of kindness throughout the day. Because I do "all of this stuff" I think that I should have a better life. But I think I have a thinking problem and forget to look at the little good things that we have in life to enjoy. If we can enjoy the little things, then I don't see why each day can't be good and wonderful. Further, when we are feeling better, we are better able to react to situations that would otherwise baffle us.
Together we are strong, and you are strong and so observant of your standing in this vast world! That is a spectacular gift.
“Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.”
― Edgar Allan Poe
For me, I might fear sucess, but I think I stopped believing in it. I was always told that college was what I needed, that if I graduated from college, then things would be easier.
ReplyDeleteWell, I graduated college, had a good GPA, good internships, great references, and guess what, I didn't get even a taste of success. So now I'm in graduate school, hoping that this would bring me something. I have an awful hostile restaurant position that makes me want to poke my eyeballs out every single day! My customers treat me like an idiot, though I might be, who knows.
So where does success come from and where can I find it? I don't think I fear it, I just don't know where to find it. Maybe after I graduate from grad school. Maybe after I do this and that. Then success will come. Right?